Sex Lives: A Bi Guy Who Is Still Friends With His First Hookup—And Never Once Talked About It

For Sex Lives, GQ speaks with someone about their entire sex life up to this point. 

I think I identify with bi the most. I never really figured that one all the way out.

I had a friend growing up—well, I still have this friend, so this is a little weird. We’ve never talked about it; we’ve never said a single word about this situation. He was probably my first best friend. It started happening around fourth grade; we would just be jerking off in the same room together. I don’t know how it started. Probably it started as a joke. And then it just kept going. We jerked off together for a couple of years, and then I remember watching some porn together, too. At some point, a summer passed or something—there was a period of time where we didn’t see each other for a while. And then the next time when he whipped out his dick, it was much bigger than it was before. I don’t know what, but something compelled me to reach out and grab it. And then things went from jerking him off to giving him hand jobs and blow jobs. We tried to fuck once, but we didn’t know about lube or anything, so it wasn’t going to work. We never said any words out loud about it, even while it was happening. I’m not even sure how it ended. Probably at one point, we did it for the last time and it never happened again. I’m still friends with him, I was just at his wedding. I see him every week. We’ve never talked about it. We’ve never said two words about it. Every once in a while I’m like, “Did that ever actually happen?”

For the longest time, I did keep being bi to myself. Finally, I told my childhood friend and his wife—I’m close to his wife, too. She used to date another friend of mine, and at one point she and I started talking about the guy’s dick size and she was being really explicit about it, and I kind of got in my head: “Does she know I’m bi?” But when I finally told her, she seemed like she didn’t have any idea, but she was cool about it. It did feel kind of weird coming out to my friend: Like, of course you know I’m bi.

I still have a lot of guy friends who don’t know I’m bi because I don’t know how to tell them. I don’t know why, but there’s something that makes it harder to tell dudes. I’ve told one male friend who has come out as asexual. I’ve made jokes about it with another friend who I think is also bi, but neither one of us has confirmed it to each other. Women are different; I’ve told a lot of my lady-friends. Most of the time the reaction is, “Ok, no big deal. That’s cool.” And then nothing changes. I’ve had a few friends not believe me. They think I’m joking. In my friend group, I do tend to joke. So, it’s not hard to buy that they wouldn’t believe it.

Depending on how you count virginity, I guess I lost my virginity to my friend. And actually, sucking his dick might have been the hottest sex that I’ve had. That’s something that I reach back to to fantasize about. There was so much stigma behind it growing up, especially growing up in the church. There was a lot of guilt and shame, but you know that’s probably what made it so fun. It was like, “I’m not supposed to do this, but also fuck you, God.”

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